The Art of Aging Positively

The events of our lives are like paints and each choice a brush stroke. We don’t get to choose the colors we’re given, but we do get to decide how we’ll use them.

About Out & In Focus

Our society is entering a period of history where, for the first time, we have an often invisible population of openly gay men entering into their golden years. Many of us struggled early on to come out, to find work and to find a place for ourselves in society. We had to create our own definitions of relationship, sex, friendship and family. With the horrific toll that the AIDS pandemic had on us, our lovers, friends and family we suffered unthinkable losses one after another. We fought for decades to ensure that our community didn’t disappear altogether, to be acknowledged and to be granted basic rights afforded to the rest of society. While we have much to celebrate we see all too clearly that those battles are not yet fully won. We now find ourselves among a unique group of men who have the opportunity to define what it means to be a thriving community of aging gay men.

With candid one-on-one interviews and intimate revelations I explore the personal stories of men who have experienced passionate adventures, hard earned fulfillment, heart-wrenching struggles and loss beyond reason. These men have chosen to carry this richness into the latter half of their lives, determined to create a meaningful and productive future. This is not a how-to guide, but rather it’s an attempt to weave together colorful and complex experiences that unite a generation that was so deeply culled and to inspire generations to come to not only survive, but thrive throughout all the universe sends their way. 

By sharing our histories and how we choose to live in the present I believe we can add many new rich and rewarding chapters to our lives. Coming to understand that while each of our stories are distinctly individual we are not, in fact, alone. This knowledge can strengthen and shape the years ahead as we practice the art of aging positively.

Host Biography: John McLay

I was born in late 1957 not far from the beach in southern California. I learned crucial survival skills from my angry, violent alcoholic father. From my mother I learned that people have tremendous potential for good and was encouraged to hope for a brighter tomorrow. I became HIV positive in 1982, in the days when the world was only beginning to speculate about what HIV was. I met my soulmate in 1984 and in 1989 he died in my arms. Those 5 years were some of the best of my life and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I moved to San Francisco at the beginning of 1992 afraid that I would get stuck in SF and become a huge slut. My worst fears were realized on both fronts and I must say... I’m eternally grateful they did. While enjoying all that SF had to offer I went through a few relationships, all torturous learning experiences. One lover told me that I was the biggest “loser” he’d ever met. I pondered that and realized that I couldn’t disagree. Over the course of my life I’d “lost” nearly everything that mattered: my home, my ability to work, the love of my life, my two best friends in the world and my health.

In 1996 I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS and had to go on disability to stay alive. After several near death experiences I spent the next decade focused on medication and basic day to day survival. My doctor was satisfied with my blood work numbers and I assumed that was all that mattered. After 10 years of this I decided to change doctors. My new doctor’s first question to me was “how's your quality of life?” I had to admit that my life sucked. While I continued to survive, I certainly wasn’t living. That’s when I began to realize that I’d lost a decade, focused only on survival.

My doctor referred me to seek help at the UCSF AIDS Health Project where I joined a group called “Considering Work”. The group focused on creating meaningful activity in our lives which could include things like getting a job, volunteering, starting a hobby or going back to school. When I started the group I was in the emergency room every 3 months like clockwork and it was all I could do to get through a day without major physical issues. I couldn’t even imagine what the next day would look like.

Through weekly sessions in “Considering Work” we would share the stories of our lives, our struggles, failures, hopes, dreams, depressions, successes and more. Throughout those exchanges I discovered something profound: I am not alone. There are other men my age who’ve shared similar experiences and who are facing similar challenges today. This inspired me to begin engaging life again and to try new things. I took a college class that strongly appealed to me. It was hard and my health continued to interfere, but in the end I learned lots and surprised myself with how much I could accomplish even with my disability. 

Some of the men in that group became my heroes. Others my friends. We all became aware of the oddly unique place at which we’d arrived. All having experienced so much loss, no longer young and facing accelerated aging with dwindling support.

Because of that group and the support it gave me I moved forward with my life. I married a wonderful man and became inspired to create Out & In Focus as a way to share what I learned through that group: none of us are truly alone.